Free range trampoline.

In our front yard resides a rather large trampoline, of the old fashioned, rectangle, netless variety. This, or at least its frame, was gifted to us by another family who had decided in order to curtail their daredevil kids' acrobatics, or at least, slightly reduce the risk of major bodily harm, a modern circular netted version was in order. Interestingly, the net has completely gone now, destroyed by their dog, but I digress. So we have this fabulous trampoline, which has honestly been one of the best investments ($100 for a new mat & springs) I have ever made for my kids! When we originally came into possession of the Wonder Tramp, we lived in another house, and the tramp resided where most people's trampolines do-in a securely fenced back yard. However, on moving to this house, which is devoid of any type of side gate other than the garage I discovered it was impossible to get the trampoline in the back yard, due to it being too large, heavy and unwieldy to either fit through the back door of the garage or even to be lifted over the fence. The removal guys tried valiantly to heave it's great bulk over the fence-but alas it was not to be. So in our front yard, unfenced, and fully accessibly by everry person and their dog it was to remain.

Initially I had thoughts of 'one day' (which in my world never comes really, or if it does it is years down the track) taking it apart and moving it to the back yard. This may still happen-however for now I am really seeing the value of the humble trampoline's residence in our front yard. I had fears and reservations of letting the kids loose in a *gasp* unfenced front yard. They are 4.75 and 8.5 respectively. When I was a girl (*cues nanna like vocals and violins*) it was absolutely normal for kids this age to play out the front. In fact my parents were considered old fashioned and over protective (which they were!) for not allowing me to leave the court in which we lived before the age of 7 or 8). But not in this day and age, this era of helicopter parents, and untold dangers. But is it really that dangerous, when one lives in a middle class outer suburb, quiet (boring!) and devoid of much crime? And are we doing our kids any favours by cotton wooling them to the extent that we are nervous allowing an 8 year old, even a 5 year old accompanied by her older brother out in the front yard? Or for that matter, does it do kids any favours to only allow them on the netted variety of trampoline, and assume that the net will keep them safe-rather than teaching them about personal responsibility, risk management and respecting theirs and other's boundaries?

These are questions I've been asking myself. I swore I'd never be over protective like my parents were. Yet being a parent myself puts a different spin on things. I have been as guilty as anyone of 'helicoptering' and 'cotton wooling' . But I'm slowly learning to let go, over the months we've been here, because quite simply, my kids adore playing on the trampoline in the front yard. It's a little freedom for them. And I think it gives the older one some pride that I am happy for him to play out there, looking after his sister of course, while I am inside doing other things,. Always within earshot -yes. But not within hovering distance! This is a lesson I had to learn. And I've even started allowing them to ride their scooters up and down the street alone, provided they cross no roads. This would have scared the crap out of me a few months ago! Not so much at 8, but at almost 5-I wouldnt have been comfortable when my son was that age. yet my daughter, with her brother out there-I am quite happy.

The best thing about having the trampoline out the front though, has been the fact that it attracts the few neighbourhood kids we have (this is predominantly an 'older' area). So we frequently have the next door neighbours kids who are 3 and 5 ,plus their parents, and the toddler from over the road plus his parents, and occasionally other older kids from further a field come and join my kids on their tramp. This has been wonderful for helping thme make local friends. My son is shy with strangers as was I, and I remember my mum saying my dog helped me make friends with the local kids when I might have been too shy to otherwise. My daughter is outgoing naturally but has become more reserved due to her speech impediment. So it's wonderful for them, and although I find it occasionally annoying that so many people congregate in our front yard every night after dinner, it is a small price to pay for being able to meet our neighbours and for my kids to enjoy friendships with local kids.

I've been reading this blog a bit lately - Free Range Kids -and although it's scary for many of us to consider allowing our kids more freedom, I do agree with many of the issues raised there. It's imperative for our kids to be allowed some freedoms, and to be given a chance to show they can be mature and responsible too. I'm really down with the whole ethos of enjoying and embracing life. Just let me take a few valium first!

(Only kidding!) :D

No time to scratch my bum...

Or blog it would seem!

I have all the best intentions in the world mind you. I keep thinking of things I'd like to blog. Sadly as the title of this post so eloquently suggests, time is a very limited commodity at the moment. In between mothering, study, work, helping care for dad, do housework (yeah I do some occasionally) and having an actual, real life social life (yes this is shocking to me too) I don't seem to have a lot of computer time right now, at least not of the variety that doesn't involve assignment writing :(

I will make my very best attempt to pull my finger out tomorrow and post a luffly update of the past week, which has been a lot of fun, with loads of swimming and beach going and nice things. I might even manage to get some photos posted! The only up side to this hideous heatwave we're currently enduring in Melbourne (35 degrees is SUMMER weather people, but it's SPRING!! November is STILL Spring! Have you forgotten this climate? Damn you global warming, you and your pesky climate change business! *shakes fist* I blame the Liberal party for their failure to sign the Kyoto protocol long ago. I blame them for lots of things actually, but I digress. ) I loathe anything above about 28 degrees in general, however I can handle heatwaves *just* when they involve water. And preferably lazing by the pool with a cocktail or 3. Sadly the last bit hasn't happened yet. As always however, I live in hope.

Oh and please feel free to check out my newly update blogroll. Yes I am aware this will mean clicking on my actual blog rather than staying in your nice, comfy feed reader window-but it will be worth it I promise. Lots of bloggy goodness out there on the interwebs, I can barely keep up with them all! Please feel free to let me know if you'd like to exchange links too :)

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to indulge in a midnight snack of lentil spread on Kamut sour dough, my newest addiction. I do indeed live precariously on the edge.

Life with Alzheimer's Disease.

I wanted to blog about something cheerful. For days I have been opening this page, willing the cheerful, fluffy thoughts to spill onto this page, fluidly, easily.

Instead I opened this page 4 times, 5 times...days of nothingness. Sat here and nothing came out. So I closed it again. Blogger's block.

I thought I could do it tonight. I don't feel bad. I feel tense, stressed, sad even a fair bit granted. But I don't feel bad. Feelings of small happiness, sunny contentedness seep in sometimes. I have happy things I could tell you about. Like my son winning an award at school for being a helpful caring student, or my daughter's growing love of drawing and her lyrical drawings, bursting at the seems with story lines involving her precious "Princess Beanie" beanie kid's marvellous adventures.

But no. Instead I am compelled to blog about my dad, and the saddest thing that can happen to a person of high intelligence, a PhD scientist, as he once was. That is, to lose your mental faculties slowly, and irreversibly. To fall victim to a disease that is slowly eroding his sense of self, his surety in the world and his place in it, and leaving him feeling scared, alone, defensive, paranoid, often aggressive to his loved ones and devoid of any real friends. It's too scary, too sad, too annoying for them. The disease is Alzheimer's and it's a slow death sentence. I have not relaly done so, and though in a way it feels like a betrayal, I feel like it's important to share it.

Dad is 91. Yes 91. I know this may come as a shock. I see you mentally calculating how old I must be to have a 91 year old father. I am 37 and he was 54 when I was born.Yes life with a father that old had its challenges, but this post isn't about that. It's about right now. He was at least spared the tragedy of early onset Alzheimer's, a tragic affliction in which Alzheimer's symptoms are diagnosed in people under the age of 65, (sometimes as young as 30 or 40, although this is extremely rare). He is in anyone's book, rather ancient. He has lived his life, and in many ways lived a full & rewarding one. He would not(and some, myself included would argue should not) be alive right now I believe, were it not for the interventions of modern medicine, which ensure his heart condition is treatable with a pacemaker and drugs, his blood pressure is treated with drugs and even his mental state is held in some kind of stasis with drugs that slow down the memory loss process, marginally-yet enough to ensure he is kept in limbo. He has some moments of clarity, in which he knows who he is, knows who we are, knows where he is, and knows what his past involved. More and more these are disappearing-or even more frighteningly, they appear intermittently, and so briefly that he is left in a permanent state of confusion, fright, anger and despair.

This is no life for anyone. Why is he still alive? I believe because modern medicine deems it has a duty to treat any condition where drugs and processes exist to do so-whether or not that keeping someone alive actually benefits the patient, and the people who care for him or her is somewhat more debatable.

To illustrate what life is like for my parents right now, here is an example of a day with my dad.

7 -8 am. Wakes up, often confused. He's spent most of the night getting up, wandering around, looking for lost items, trying to orient himself. He has no idea where he is. Asks wife where he's come from. Surely he didn't sleep here all night? Hadn't they been somewhere? Any anyway, where are his parents? He's missing them, they should be here by now...

Wife replies they have been here all night, and his parents have been dead for 30 years.

My father slaps his forehead and sighs in exasperation. Of course his parents are dead. What was he thinking? Sometimes he doesn't seem to think much at all these days! It's terribly confusing. Yes his parents are dead. Better get out of bed.

2 minutes later. Asks wife when they are going home, and are his parents going to accompany them?

Repeat roughly every 2-10 minutes for the next 2 hours, in between bouts of nausea, moments of frustration because his wife for some reason refuses to spend every waking moment sitting down and talking to him, trying to eat but being unable to, being unable to do his own shoes up, having to wear incontinence pads. Being a proud man, this is terribly humiliating-all of it. He feels angry and let down by his body.

But where are his parents? He feels like he hasn't seen them for at least a day. And what's more worrying is that he isn't sure their financial affairs have been settled correctly. Must ask wife. Why is wife acting frustrated? I mean he's only asking a question?

Lunch time. Makes a shuffling trip out to letterbox. This may be the only time he leaves the confines off the house all day, unless its the day they go shopping, or the day they go to the library, or the doctors. People always say his wife 'takes' him places. he cant stand this! She does NOT take him! They GO TOGETHER! Just because he cant drive does not make him an imbecile. He fumes. Retrieves mail from the letterbox, and returns to the house. Opens mail.

What is this addressed to him & his wife, sent by XXX Accounting? He doesn't understand it. Asks wife. Repeats 10 + times in space of 30 minutes. Gets increasingly agitated. He HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW THESE THINGS!! he yells at her. Surely she understands this. Why doesn't anyone EVER tell him ANYTHING!! He yells. Over and over. Wife is close to nervous breakdown but he doesn't know this. Even if he knew, in 5 minutes it would be forgotten.

Wife knows an aged care facility is an option. Everyone tells her. But he would refuse to go. The alternative, that of involuntarily committing him is unthinkable. How could she do that to the man to whom she has been married, and cared for, loved, for over 40 years? She could not. It would be a betrayal. Oh but she would be free...so free... NO! She can't think that. Surely a merciful death will take him soon? This her husband she loved, and has already grieved for...sad. So much sadness.

1.00 PM. Wife escapes house for much needed respite. Daughter arrives to provide said respite. For some reason some strangers come every now and then, but he doesn't like that. Why do they come? Do they think he's stupid? He is NOT! It makes him VERY ANGRY that people treat him like an idiot all the time. He is NOT an idiot and is NOT DEAF! Why do people yell so much?

Asks daughter to repeat herself incessantly because he cannot hear her properly. She is talking to someone else, and he cannot understand. She must be plotting against him!! Demands to know why he is NEVER TOLD ANYTHING?! Repeats 3 or 4 times. Sulks. Retreats behind newspaper. Young people these days have no respect. Falls asleep.

Wakes up, Asks daughter where J is. Daughter says she is J. No, J is a little girl! Where is that girl. Oh no NOT J, its S. S is the little girl. Slaps forehead in exasperation. Why cannot he remember?!! He is FAILING!! He is losing HIS MIND!! Breathes. Freaks out. Repeats question a minute later. Asks daughter 10 times what she is doing on her laptop computer. What a strange contraption. What is it anyway, a ridiculously sized calculator? Asks daughter what she does on it. She replies she is designing something, some magazine whatsit. What the hell is she talking about, how do you do that on an adding machine? She must be doing sums. Ask her this. Wonder why she seems to be ignoring him. Ask again. Daughter gives similar gobbledygook reply. How absurd. Get annoyed at daughter and inform her if she refuses to tell him, well she can just bugger off. How dare she treat him with such disrespect?!! Get mad. Fume. Get sad. Despair.

Despair. Utter, dark, desolate despair. Why has his life come to this? He shouldn't be alive any more. Suicidal thoughts.Why am I here? What is God's purpose. WHY?

5 minutes later. Asks daughter what the weather is like outside. it looks like such a lovely day! Does she have any shopping too do? He likes shopping! lets go shopping!!

Luckily daughter has shopping to do. How fortunate. Oh happy day! Gets coat and walking stick.

Driving in daughter's car. Wonders where the hell they are? Are we still in Melbourne? Where are you taking me? I don't recognise any of these roads. No, cannot believe daughter when she says this is the neighbourhood in which he's lived for 40 odd years. No way. Not correct. people have no idea. Does not recognise shops, even though daughter says he comes here weekly, sometimes more. She is surely deluded.

Pick up grandchildren from school. He thinks they're his grandchildren. he cant really be sure. L and S...that's right. Maybe they're his niece and nephews? Or cousins. Don't know. Where are his parents? They would know!! Where are his parents actually? He hasn't seen them for a few hours at least. Arrives back at familiar yet odd looking house. is this a holiday house? Maybe a hotel? Not sure. Asks daughter. She says he lives here. NO that is INCORRECT! He does NOT live here, he is merely staying here. Asks wife where they will spend the night. She says 'here'. Why here, why do we always come to this place? I hate this place! It's like a prison. I cant escape. Why doesn't anyone ever tell him anything? Informs them he is SICK and tired of being treated like the imbecile in the corner and demands, DEMANDS some respect. Wonders why wife is cross at him. HE is entitled to be treated like a human not to be constantly ignored or plotted against. Wife is threatening to leave. Says she cannot take any more. Any more what? What is her problem, he's only asking a question! Jeez. Just like that arrogant doctor who was asking him questions so condescendingly. What year is it? Its 1970 of course! What day? I don't know, what's it to you? Yes I know my grandchildren's names but I'm not telling YOU bossyboots doctor! If you don't like that you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. Huh! I showed her!

Where are his parents anyway?

Gets sick of those damn kids' incessant noise and shuts self in separate room. Sulks. Wishes daughter and her annoying brats would go home.

Daughter is leaving. This makes him sad. Why is she leaving? When is he seeing her again. Two whole days?! Why cannot she be bothered visiting him sooner than that? Very sad lovely kids are going. Such a dear boy and girl. Is sad.

Later on, goes to bed. Is this his house? No it cannot be, he knows he lives somewhere else. Maybe somewhere from a long time ago, he doesn't know. Where are his parents?

............

This man was once a PhD physicist, wrote a thesis or 3 on metallurgy, led expeditions to the South Pole, advised Prime Ministers and worked in aeronautical research in the USA, worked with NASA. Now he is a shell, a very shadow of his former self. If the real man could see himself now, he would not wish himself here. He would not wish the sadness and utter mental fatigue his wife experiences every day. He does not remember the times he lashes out at his loved ones, verbally, and even these days physically. He would not believe it.

Why is he here?

Because there are drugs, and they can be administered, so they shall be administered. No matter the cost. Either that, or the God in which he does still believe has a very twisted sense of humour.

Life without ADs...

Seriously has its ups and downs. haha. Right now, I have to say I'm in a down patch, and I'm really hoping wont spiral any further downward. I was coping really well. I've been completely off ADs (anti depressant medication) for at least 2 months. I think. Unlike some people who seem to record and take note of every momentous occasions in life, I am usually quite vague on these things. I know i was at half the smallest dose of Zoloft in July, and was that that crossroads where you have to decide whether to brave going it alone and unmedicated, or to give in (yet again) and get back on them. In the end I decided I had come so far, I may as well keep going. So I did. And barring both my pregnancies,(in which i stopped taking them, but started again a few months after the birth of baby #1 and 2 respectively) this is the longest I have been AD free in over 10 years! I wont bore you with my whole life story of life as a suffer of GAD and depression, suffice to say it began with a breakdown at 15 induced by a few traumatic incidences and has never really left. ADs at the time in my life they were first prescribed-following 10 years of anxiety, depression, drug abuse and withdrawal

it's been a journey which began at the beginning of this year, when I decided I needed to start working towards weaning from ADs for good. I new at that time I'd need to first change from effexor, back to Zoloft. I'd originally gone on Effexor after a failed attempt 2 years prior to get off Zoloft, because I didn't feel it was working for me. The Dr I saw prescribed Effexor as it is considered better for anxiety..which I have often, and by the bucketful (*insert exasperated sigh*). yes, when i remembered to take it regularly, Effexor worked a treat. But the price to pay for this relative emotional stability was great. Effexor is quite simply a bitch to ccome off, and doesn't like you if you miss a dose. Not one bit. I would be rewarded for my (normal state) of absent mindedness with severe brain 'zaps' and tingling, and accompanying nausea if i forgot even one dose. Internet searching revealed trying to come of Effexor is akin to heroin withdrawal for many (or even benzodiazapines-which are worse, and yes I have been there. Not the heroin but the benzos and it took 3 years). So I decided I needed to get switched back to Zoloft and wean off that. Which I have been in the process of doing for 10 months. It took 8. And so I have been drug free for 2 months now.

There are as I mentioned previously, both good and not so good sides to this. On the positive side, I feel a sense of achievement, like I did coming off the benzos all those years ago. I feel good knowing I'm no longer at risk of adverse reactions of side effects. God knows what those things may do to the brain taken long term. That side has always scared me. I don't like taking medicines if I can help it, always preferring the natural option. I can now try and concentrate on weight loss, knowing that if I cant lose weight now, I have only myself to blame and not the drugs! The very best bit though is that now I experience true natural highs. I had forgotten what this was like before. ADs keep you on a nice even keel, so that you don't experience the heartbreaking, all consuming lows - but then the flip side off this is you don't get to experience the highs either. I'd forgotten how good i can feel after spending a day in nature, in the wind and rain, in or near the ocean. How renewing a chat or catchup session with good friends can feel. The absolute searing, breath taking joy of being in love (I hope to eventually experience this again!), the unutterable bliss of your child wrapping his/her arms around you and telling you how much they love you. I knew happiness and contentedness on ADs-but no highs, Now thank gods, I know this feeling again.

Of course the inevitable downside is when you hit a peak, there's gonna be a trough. I have been feeling the lows more than I'd like to as well. And right now, I'm deep in a valley, hoping not to descend any lower. It's ok, I know how to pick myself up and get out of it now at least. It's a lot of work though. At times like this, all the voices of doubt creep in with their horrid muttering in my ear, reminding me of my inadequacies, and failures. Of how crap I really truly am and how things are never going to change. EVER. Ugh. At times like these, i dont wanna relaly talk to people (aand yet all I want to do is talk, how weird), don't want to socialise, find even leaving the house a monumental effort. I have zero motivation for work or study or even being a parent who is present and mindful, preferring instead to put on a dvd or direct them to the pc and hope the kids will leave me alone :(

On the whole, it's really worth it though. I am overjoyed to be off ADs finally, and there's no way I'm going back. Just as I wrote that last sentence, a friend dropped in for half an hour for a coffee and we sat outside in the sunshine. The sun really worked its miracle and dispelled much of the gloomy thoughts penetrating my consciousness. I feel like through writing this, and then the simple act of a coffee in the sun, the dark cloud has receded somewhat. The bugger is, it's always there, it probably always will be there, but the trick is being able to have the will to fight it. At least today I have. And I guess that's what it's about, taking it one day at a time.

Part 2 -Winter beach shots

Ok too tired/busy with other things to update with anything containing, like, words..so here are some more photos of my kids! This is part 2 of the Winter beach shots I posted about a gazillion years ago (back in August LOL). Next time, I'll try and post our road trip shots. Never mind that was over a month ago ;-)

Peeved with Perfection? Me too!

I've noticed lately there seems to be a proliferation of blogs cropping up on the internet, concerned with perfection. This is never actually discussed or given voice to of course, or if it is, only in a veiled and ambiguous manner. These type of blogs cover a wide range of subject matter, though for the purposes of this post I'm going to be discussing the parenting and home/lifestyle ones, as these are the ones I have noticed most-and been irritated by to the greatest degree!


Oh you're just jealous I hear you scoff dismissively. Yeah maybe I am. I'll grant you, it's a possibility. My house is NEVER immaculate, my kids aren't perfect little angels who are always clean and adorably dressed, I don't spend each and every day doing meaningful, educational and crafty projects with them either. Far too often they are left to their own devices while I study or work, and they spend way too much time engaged in such pursuits as playing computer games and watching tv. I don't have an adoring partner who writes me love notes inspired by obscure Peruvian poets and does 90% of the housework whilst bringing home a 6 figure salary so I don't need to engage in actual paid work. I don't have a fabulous high flying career which somehow still leaves me time to parent optimally ALL THE TIME simultaneously creating amazing crafty projects on a daily basis and hand making my own homoeopathic remedies from essence of Tibetan Yak's urine. No-I often resort to take away, have a house that's rarely free of the sorry sight of Mounts Dishmore and Washmore respectively and I am struggling to get by on Parenting Payment Single & some part time work. Sorry. Shit I'd better go kill myself now, for I'm surely unworthy.

But you know what? While I may feel a modicum of envy at times, that others' lives seem so perfect, the truth is I know they are not. It's easy to create a shiny veneer of seeming perfection-but if you scratch under the surface, all is not as it appears. So when I see one of these 'Oh so perfect' blogs or forum posts, I retain a healthy degree of cynicism and know that all may not be as it seems in paradise. Once again, I make reference to what I call the "Mango Mama Syndrome". For any unaware, Mango Mama was this goddess of natural parenting on the interwebs a few years ago, who waxed lyrical about how awesomely, divinely perfect her life was, home schooling her adorable children in an idyllic tropical locale, doing meaningful activities all day every day, making wholesome food from scratch, while her adoring husband watched on supportively whilst providing an income from which to create all this perfection. Until one day she flew the coop with a lover, leaving her kids with the husband, who it turned out was a completely horrible abusive bastard. Or something. She left many of the thousands of women who followed her and aspired to her lifestyle(and worse, bought her book!) feeling cheated and betrayed.

I must admit this was the catalyst for my rose coloured net specs to be removed and to understand people can present any type of image they want from behind the safety of a computer screen. While I'm sure some of these blogs are reasonably genuine, there would be many that so aren't. I'd be willing to bet any money there's some sageous parenting 'experts' out there dispensing insightful wisdom on their blogs/websites, whilst in their own homes they are screeching at the kids to shut the hell up so mummy/mommy can write!! Hey I know I have :P Or some domestic goddesses who have Pizza Hut on speed dial, and have that one feral room in their house, immune to all attempts to organise and plastic IKEA box into submission. . It sounds impressive to WRITE about 5 hour home cooked meal from scratch after all-the reality is often less inspiring, and certainly less visually aesthetically pleasing.

Besides which, to my mind, perfection is boring. So much of this reeks of "Stepford Wives" to me. It's just not interesting, and some of it downright anachronistic.. I prefer warts and all exposes, witty confessions of failure, humourous retelling of epic parenting FAILS. That's not to say I don't appreciate wise, insightful talk of good parenting, artistic endeavours that inspire, or well researched facts. But it needs to be REAL. Any hint of superficiality turns me right off. Pretend to be perfect and in all likelihood the impression i get is that you are perfect-a perfect wanker that is!

Ok, well now I've gotten that off my chest, I have to go and cook dinner for my adorable children and a sleepover guest. Where's the 2 minute noodles? (Hey, it's what they asked for!!!)

The Cherry Blossom Project

Today has been one of THOSE days. The type you wish you could crumple up, stuff back in the calendar, pretend didn't happen. Oh, not that it was terrible per se-more just an overriding feeling of 'meh'. 50 different kinds of meh with a side-serving of gah and garnished with a sprig of bah. Today has NOT been my most stellar parenting moment I must confess. I was up late last night, as I have been several nights this week working -on a non paid job, one of 2 I'm working on this week, both of which I have enjoyed; I know it will all eventually help my career heaps... I know. But many many late nights, hard work put in, and well, when at the end of the day you are still poor and have barely any money left after paying your rent-plus you are exhausted, 3 weeks behind in your study and your kids have been somewhat neglected while you work...it's a bit depressing.

I admit it's getting to me right now that I seem to be swimming so hard against the tide, with very little in the way of rewards to show for it. Poverty sucks dogs balls-and I KNOW I am not really poor. I have to be grateful for the roof over my head-especially after watching the tragic 4 Corners story on homelessness last night (Yes I am behind-I always seem to be floundering along, desperately trying to catch up on things which are long since past. More on both topics in a later blog post-I hope! ) I am well off compared with many people. However half my income is disappearing in rent, much of the rest in bills and food and I am working so hard, and have no money to show for it. I have to keep looking at the bigger picture. But anyway-so the kids have been fabulous during the holidays. Really good. They are so good at entertaining themselves (they have had to be). I can't complain and have had little reason to-other than feeling an extreme amount of Motherguilt (TM) that I haven't had either the time or money to take them out and do much.

However.. DD managed to get into a left over lolly stash this morning-while I was trying to catch some much needed zzzz's-with disastrous results. Now, the lolly stash was a combination of a jar that my mother had SO thoughtfully sent home with the kids (note the sarcastic tone there) and the remnants of a seriously excessive party bag brought home from a birthday party on Friday. Both gifts were well meant, brimming over with generosity...BUT..sugar + colours = an extremely hyper S. Also, disturbingly, a somewhat violent one. I had to confiscate said lollies once already, on the long drive home last Friday, when S was intent on clobbering her brother in the face as many times as possible. L is a very gentle boy who wont hit back-he just howls. Note-S is 3.5 yrs L's junior. Go figure. So this morning-after one too many time of S inflicting damage upon her poor big bro, I'd had enough. I snapped. I displayed a parenting style which can only be described as 'shit or 'feral bogan'. '. I screeched like a banshee. I ranted. I wanted my sleep. And as for really shameful bit-I slapped her :( Only once, on the leg, and only lightly. But the fact I did, fills me with utter remorse. The sight of her manically cackling while her brother cried was too much. She howled, I apologised profusely. 5 minutes later, she was at it again. I grabbed her and shut her in her room. There were a thousand and one better ways to deal with this. I am ashamed and kicking myself-such a proponent of gentle, respectful parenting, for resorting to such measures. But I was TIRED. I AM tired now. My resources were stripped bare, depleted, diminished, to almost nothing. I felt like a fraud, like a hypocrite. I run a gentle parenting site. What sort of gentle parent smacks and yells?

Amusingly enough I suppose, she yelled in her room for a minute, before figuring out she wasn't actually locked in there, and was free to come out! Sobbing she confronted me "You DIDN'T lock me in my room mama!" I hugged her, I apologised again. Told her of course not, I would never do that. Smiled a little at her innocence and outrage in the face of terrible mean mummy .But I felt remorseful and yet as I am always saying to others, you can only do as well as you can, with the resources you have. I was tired and stressed and I parented less than optimally. I am human. I tell myself this, yet I have betrayed my own standards and beliefs-which naturally sucks :(

Where am I going with this? It seems to be drawing on 50 different topics at once, yet not really exploring any of them. Which is kinda where my head is at at the moment I must confess. I have had so many blog posts running through my head recently, yet have had no time whatsoever to post them. It's like all the jumbling thoughts in my confused mind are competing for liberation. I am so far behind I feel like I will never catch up... ever. But one blog I meant to do 6 weeks or so stands out. It was to be called the Cherry Blossom Project, and I let it go once it seemed redundant. The idea was to take photos of all the fledgling blossoming trees in our neighbourhood, and blog them-a sort of tribute to the promise of spring in the air, when at the time it was still Winter. I did indeed take the photos one sunny late Winters day, whilst out for a walk with the kids. But I didn't post them. All the bloody photo editing (cropping & reducing to size for web, nothing else has been done) takes time! So the post never happened-because then it was spring and too late.

But the past few days here in Melbourne have really seen a return to the cold, rainy days of Winter. Which admittedly I didn't mind-for a bit, but I think it's been long enough, The equinox is past, it is time for Spring to, well...spring! Out of darkness light is re-born. And out of our darker days, lighter ones loom just over the horizon, waiting to strengthen and renew us with their warmth.